Hidden Speed Camera Vans
Firstly, a big FUCK YOU to the Northern Constabulary.
Secondly, I sincerely hope that the police officer who cunted me over gets his testicles terminally caught in the door of his camera van, slips on a large steaming pile of diarrhoea-based dog shit, accidentally gives himself an acidically prepared enema, gets his foreskin caught in the wheel of a passing lorry, gets his nipples aggressively milked by fully grown stag in mating season, then gets his radar-gun rammed so far up his own arse that the speed of his digestive system is easily readable on the surface of his eyeballs.
If karma really did exist, then that is what would have to happen.
Now, the situation is as follows:
I was driving back home in my fully roadworthy, sensibly underpowered car, along a 60 mile or so stretch of road which I have driven approximately 200 times in my life-span. A road I know better than the back of my own arse. Literally, I can pin-point the exact location of every lump, bump, pothole, and missing cats-eye on the entire road. I know where all the bends are, I know where all the overtaking spots are, I know where it’s safe to go fast, and I know where it’s not safe to go past.
On this particular occasion, it was definitely safe to go fast. Light was good, sun wasn’t shining, no wind, road surface was bone dry, and there were no cars anywhere in sight. In fact, if I had to set a land speed record there and then, the conditions would’ve been perfect.
I was on a downhill, turning slightly to the left, nothing around me. I looked up ahead to the top of the next hill, a good half mile away, and I saw a plain white van parked with its back to me with warning chevrons painted on the lower back doors. The same kind of chevrons motorway maintenance vans, plumber’s vans, roadwork vans, mountain rescue vans and dog kennel vans have. There was not a single give-away of it being a police van, (obviously the way they like it). So, thinking it was perhaps just a parked van at the side of the road, I eased off a bit, just in case the driver decided to pull out without indicating, or maybe decide to open his door without looking. Just the kind of things you should normally look out for when driving.
Turns out I was wrong.
Turns out that this particular van had Northern Constabulary written on the side, and one of those fantastic speed camera logos printed on the bonnet.
Also turns out that this combination of vehicle decorations results in a £60 fine and 3 points on your license.
3 points! Bloody hell guys, it’s not like I’m a criminal here. Licenses only have 12 points, and me being just a few weeks inside my 2 year probation period means I actually only have a meagre 6 points at my disposal.
How is it fair that me in my little car can get royally fucked for straying over the speed limit when a 10-tonne articulated lorry, too wide for the road, can fly past at 60 and not get any kind of reprimand? What about those 100-year-olds driving at 10mph in their Nissan Micras? Or those boy-racers who race past primary schools at 70 and get away with it? Hell, while I’m at it, what about those caravan drivers who go out on windy days, those coach drivers who straddle both lanes of the road, or those packs of cyclists who treat the road as some kind of personal training arena?
Nah, those things are much too time consuming to put right. It’s much easier to simply park up in their vans, have a nice cup of tea, some biscuits, point a speed gun a half mile down the road and then giggle to themselves as they do sweet F.A. and rake in everyone’s hard-earned cash.
Again, a big FUCK YOU to the Northern Cuntstabulary and all of their speed scameras. And don’t even get me started on the whole me-getting-fined-for-not-wearing-my-seat-belt-whilst-driving-200-yards-from-my-house-down-to-the-petrol-station thing, because that REALLY pissed me off.