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It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here so I thought I should probably make it something big. Last night I intentionally went to see 2012. For those of you who don’t know, 2012 is yet another generic disaster movie with copious amounts of inconsistency, plot holes, flimsy science and plain old BAD FILMMAKING. What follows now is an abridged version of the movie’s script for your reading pleasure.

—

Fade in to some generic Indian town which happens to be located right on top of the world’s deepest BULLSHIT MINE.

DISPOSABLE INDIAN SCIENTIST
You’ll never guess what! The entire world is going to end due to some GENERIC SCIENCE BULLSHIT!

TOKEN BLACK GUY
You mean an unusually high number of NEUTRINOS from the sun is going to cause the centre of the earth to heat up to catastrophically high temperatures? Temperatures hotter than the already ludicrously hot temperatures currently experienced in the centre of the earth? And this heating will cause the earth’s crust to move and crumble, causing earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and the end of all life as we know it?

DISPOSABLE INDIAN SCIENTIST
Yes, now hurry! Spend some time putting together a report on this and take it to some political douchebag at the Whitehouse!

Transition to some irrelevant cocktail party.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Excuse me Political Douchebag, please take a moment to look at this bullshit report on some NEUTRINO RELATED CODSWALLOP I managed to pull out of my own arse.

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Nice work! This seems like it could be pretty important. Let’s take you to the Whitehouse so you can tell this to the president in person.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Okay, but we have to act fast!

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Whoa, hold your horses there. First we must do absolutely nothing for two years in order to ensure we are completely unprepared for the disaster when it arrives. Deal?

Token Black Guy makes the deal and the governments of the world do absolutely fuck-all for the next two years.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Okay, it’s been two years. Now what?

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Well, I guess the best thing to do at this stage is to recruit a group of Chinese farmers to build some HUGE SHIPS which we can all pile onto for a while.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
…

Cut to some shitty writer who is for some bizarre reason sleeping on a couch in his own one-person apartment.

SHITTY WRITER
Oh no, I’m late for my kids’ extremely lame camping trip because I stayed up all night writing shitty books that people never buy. Right, camping trip. Heads I take the SUV, tails I take the most ridiculously unsuitable vehicle I can find…

One short limo ride later…

SHITTY WRITER
Hey Ex-Wife, look at how stupidly unsuitable for camping my ride is!

EX-WIFE
Shut up. Take these kids. Go to the national park and talk to the Token Black Guy about your shitty books.

A second short limo ride later…

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Hey man, I don’t think your books are shitty. Let’s high-five! Anyway, gotta run. See you at the end of the movie when we miraculously end up on the same boat together!

SHITTY WRITER
Boats? What boats?

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Why don’t you ask that dodgy looking guy living in the trees over there.

Shitty Writer plays around with Google Earth on his laptop for a few hours before finally deciding to move the plot along.

SHITTY WRITER
Okay, so what’s this about hanging out on boats later?

DODGY GUY
Oh, NEUTRINO BOLLOCKS is making the world end tomorrow so the governments have decided to make these HUGE SHIPS to save all of humanity.

SHITTY WRITER
Nice, thanks for the heads up. I’ll just nip home, grab my ex-wife and her Douchebag Boyfriend, then I’ll meet you there. Oh, and where are all these HUGE SHIPS located exactly?

DODGY GUY
The middle of China.

SHITTY WRITER
What the fuck? Why would there not be one in every country!? And why the MIDDLE of China!? Why would you not put them on the coast so we can launch them BEFORE the world explodes!? Who the hell is in charge of all this shit!?

Shitty Writer drives erratically to Ex-Wife’s house and picks up her and her Douchebag Boyfriend before outrunning an earthquake in his high performance limo.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Holy crap! I can’t believe you managed to outrun an earthquake in this shitty limo! Unfortunately it looks like large portions of ground have started disappearing in front of us.

SHITTY WRITER
Oh really? You noticed? I mean, it’s not like these are the most ridiculously over exaggerated disaster effects in filmmaking history or anything. I’m really quite surprised you picked up on it.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Miraculously it looks like the airport has somehow escaped destruction. Also, perhaps even more miraculously, I kind of know how to fly.

In true ‘just in time’ disaster movie style, everyone hops on a plane just as a particularly strong NEUTRINO BOMBARDMENT renders centuries of geological knowledge completely worthless.

SHITTY WRITER
Right, so we’ve just taken off from the runway which happens to be located at roughly the same height as the several roads and railway tracks throughout the city.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Right…

SHITTY WRITER
So why is there a train dangling above our heads?

EX-WIFE
Probably because the director is a huge moron. Anyway, did you say we were heading to China?

SHITTY WRITER
Yes.

EX-WIFE
I see, then maybe we should’ve perhaps, I dunno, CHOSEN A PLANE THAT COULD TAKE US THERE? I mean, this tiny little one is cool and everything, but I just feel it’s 200 mile range might prove to be a hinderance during our 3000 mile plane trip.

Following this shocking discovery, the group land at a different airport and get on a bigger plane.

SHITTY WRITER
It sure is lucky that this big plane was lying here completely unused. C’mon, let’s take off.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Oh no, the runway is collapsing too soon! We’re not going to make it!

SHITTY WRITER
Don’t worry. Just pull back on this joystick here.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
What? Why? What is it?

SHITTY WRITER
It’s a PHYSICS VIOLATOR. Pulling back on it will make this big-ass plane climb vertically upwards for several minutes allowing us to reach a safe altitude.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Phew. Good thing that was installed. Now we can make it to our halfway refuelling point unhindered.

EX-WIFE
Halway refuelling point? You do realise we’re flying over the Pacific ocean here right? You know, that big blue wet thing between America and China? The thing planes can’t land on?

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Oh you silly girl, I’m not landing in the ocean. I’m landing on those American islands with the big airports.

EX-WIFE
Hawaii? Fucking Hawaii!? So, NEUTRINO BOLLOCKS from the sun is causing the earth’s crust to move and crumble, resulting in earthquakes, tsunamis and VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS and you’ve decided to refuel your plane on an ACTIVE VOLCANO!? Are you absolutely fucking retarded!?!?

Luckily, another strong dose of NEUTRINO-RELATED FICTION causes the earth’s crust to move east by about 2000 miles. Coincidentally the exact right amount to position the HUGE SHIPS well within flying distance.

SHITTY WRITER
Well that was lucky. Now, let’s find a place to land. Presumably they would’ve had to construct a landing strip of some kind so people from all over the world could fly in and land.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
No time to lose! Let’s crash land here and wait to be picked up by a passing chinese family in a pickup truck instead.

A random passing chinese family in a pickup truck lead them to the HUGE SHIPS. Luckily there is NO SECURITY so everyone is able to sneak in through a CONVENIENT DOOR unhindered.

On a related note, it appears that the HUGE SHIPS are actually no bigger than a typical cruise ship of which there are many hundreds of in the world. Also, there are only five of them.

EX-WIFE
I’ve decided I quite like Shitty Writer while at the same time still quite liking Douchebag Boyfriend. If only there was some way to easily solve this problem.

SHITTY WRITER
Don’t worry, there’s a moronic action scene coming up where Douchebag Boyfriend will be conveniently killed.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Uhm, guys? I think I’ve got my GARDEN HOSEPIPE caught in the hydraulics.

SHITTY WRITER
Caught in the hydraulics? What? That’s not even possible! Do you even know what hydraulics are? Hydraulics are just pumps, tubes and pistons. There’s literally nothing to get caught on!

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Well, I don’t fucking know what they are. It’s just a bunch of exposed cog wheels.

SHITTY WRITER
Exposed cog wheels? Why would there be exposed cog wheels? We have CARS with no exposed cog wheels, why the hell would there be exposed cog wheels on a futuristic government super-ship?!

CRUNCH CRUNCH, DEATH DEATH

CAPTAIN
Oh no, our main water-tight door isn’t closing.

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Well, just close the secondary water-tight door then.

CAPTAIN
There isn’t one…

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
What do you mean there isn’t one? We have goddamn car ferries with double water-tight doors. Why would you not put them on this ship?!

CAPTAIN
Probably a bad time to mention this, but also we can’t actually start the engines until the doors are fully closed…

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
For FUCK SAKE…

CAPTAIN
Oh, hang on. It looks like someone’s pulled a GARDEN HOSEPIPE out of the hydraulics. Time to start the engines!

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Was that a puff of diesel smoke? Are those fucking exhaust pipes? Is this a diesel powered boat?! WHY WOULD YOU NOT PUT A NUCLEAR REACTOR IN HERE?!?! Our navy ships in the SIXTIES had nuclear reactors! They go for months and months at a time without refuelling!! This is literally the worst ship ever…

TOKEN BLACK GUY
I really hope this movie ends now.

Fade out into a satellite photo of the world after the crust has stabilised.

EX-WIFE
It sure is lucky that my other love interest was killed in that moronic hydraulic cog wheel garden hosepipe incident earlier.

SHITTY WRITER
It sure is. Hey, is that a satellite picture of the earth’s surface after the crust has stabilised?

EX-WIFE
I think so.

SHITTY WRITER
How come all the continents are EXACTLY THE SAME SHAPE as they were before?

EX-WIFE
I don’t really know, but I suspect it has something to do with NEUTRINO BOMBARDMENT…

Last week I accidentally walked to the cinema and watched a cinematic masterpiece by the name of Fighting. What follows is my depiction of a hypothetical movie script which could have been referred to during filming.

—

Cut to a clean respectable looking New York street corner.

MAIN CHARACTER
Hey everyone, I’m selling knock-off Harry Potter books. I’ll do you a good price if you promise not to steal my stuff.

LOVE INTEREST
I’ll take one for my son. That way you can have a shitty excuse to chat me up in a club later on.

MAIN CHARACTER
Oh shit, I better go, that guy who got sacked from Iron Man 2 just spotted me!

TERENCE HOWARD
Hey buddy. How would you like to fight for your chance to win a piss-poor amount of money?

MAIN CHARACTER
But Terence, I don’t know how to fight?

TERENCE HOWARD
Don’t worry, I have a plan…

The ‘plan’ appears to involve punching like a girl and generally being an all-round dumb-ass. Somehow this WORKS and Main Character beats his opponent before promptly heading to a nearby night club.

Cut to trendy looking night club which somehow allows blood-stained illegal street fighters to enter unhindered.

MAIN CHARACTER
Holy shit, both my love interest AND an old enemy are coincidentally in the same club as me! What are the chances of that happening?

LOVE INTEREST
Excellent! You now know where I work and are therefore able to start awkwardly stalking me.

MAIN CHARACTER
Right after my next fight. I think I might be getting better.

Unsurprisingly, Main Character is still shit at fighting. Luckily, due to an unlikely combination of miracles and a shit director, Main Character is able to defeat a KUNG FU MASTER.

MAIN CHARACTER
Nevermind. So, you want to go for dinner?

LOVE INTEREST
No.

MAIN CHARACTER
Some drinks?

LOVE INTEREST
No. Go away.

MAIN CHARACTER
How about a walk?

LOVE INTEREST
Will you just fuck off!

MAIN CHARACTER
How about I come round to your place to have dinner with both your mother and your daughter, both of whom I have never met before?

LOVE INTEREST
You know what…

Cut to awkward dinner scenario in a crappy looking apartment.

LOVE INTEREST
So, I Googled your name while you were taking a shit earlier and it turns out you once tried to kick your dad’s ass. How did that happen?

MAIN CHARACTER
Oh you know how it is. One minute you’re punching your old enemy in the face, then your dad steps in and you just end up punching him in the face ’till he falls to the ground.

LOVE INTEREST
That’s… not normal…

MAIN CHARACTER
That never happened to you then?

LOVE INTEREST
Uh, let me think… oh wait, NO IT HASN’T. Because unlike you, I am not RETARDED.

Cut to Main Character sleeping on a bench, because sleeping on a bench is a pastime enjoyed by many of the world’s leading street fighters.

TERENCE HOWARD
Hey kid. Remember that time you totally smashed your dad’s face in because you were absolutely fucking retarded?

MAIN CHARACTER
What about it?

TERENCE HOWARD
Well how would you like to fight the guy you were punching before your dad got in the way?

Cut to the inside of a subway train where Main Character is doing EXTREME TRAINING. Logically, the inside of a subway car is the optimum environment for fight training. Better even than a gym, apparently.

Terence Howard asks Main Character to throw the fight and go down in the first round, or something. But this is obviously RETARDED since despite only possessing the fighting skills of a disabled guinea pig, Main Character never loses a fight.

A large bet is placed, a laughably predictable plot twist ensues and Terence Howard is banned from all future on screen appearances.

DIRECTOR
Fade subtly… Wait, scrap that. Jump SUDDENLY into a high speed car chase.

EDITOR
What? But I’ve already faded the sound in and everything.

DIRECTOR
Leave the sound, people will think it’s artistic and whatnot.

A ludicrous car chase ensues in which James Bond defies the LAWS OF PHYSICS. In a mad scramble to find the NOS button on his Aston, James unwittingly blows his own door off.

JAMES
Holy balls! My arms, legs, torso, and in fact every part of my entire anatomy is fully exposed to the wildly inaccurate gunfire emanating from the family saloon behind me. I should engage the INVISIBLE DOOR-SHAPED BULLET-PROOF BAD-GUY DEFENCE SYSTEM.

—

He DOES THIS then proceeds to predictably escape his pursuers and drive inconspicuously through a small Italian town.

JAMES
I found this guy in the back of the car. We can interrogate him by tying him loosely to a chair!

JUDI
Super idea. Wait. No. I just remembered something. Isn’t this guy a part of some super secret organisation?

JAMES
Like SPECTRE?

JUDI
No no. Don’t be ridiculous. That was the OLD James Bond. Lets call it QUANTUM. At least then we might have some way to justify the ridiculous title.

BAD GUY
Tag! You’re it!

JAMES
Fuck. I should KILL HIM.

The street chase from ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’ is interspersed with out-takes from Disney’s ‘Racing Stripes’. This is allegedly ARTISTIC.

Cut to Jack White and someone who isn’t Meg White playing an entirely unrelated theme song.

JAMES
What now?

JUDI
The usual. Here’s tickets to 23 different countries located arbitrarily around the world. Use them in any order you want.

JAMES
To Haiti!

James Bond promptly arrives in Haiti to kill people and flirt with women. The latter proves to be more challenging than the former. Ultimately, only the former takes place.

RECEPTIONIST
Did you just kill the guy in room 216?

JAMES
Maybe.

RECEPTIONIST
You should probably take this IMPORTANT BRIEFCASE outside and wait for someone in an UNCOMMONLY MODERN VEHICLE to turn up and give you a lift.

This HAPPENS.

GIRL FROM HITMAN
You don’t look like a geologist.

JAMES
What the hell did you expect! Some guy carrying an armful of rock and mud samples? Stop the car, I’m leaving.

GIRL FROM HITMAN
But public transport sucks!

JAMES
It’s cool, I paid some local kid to follow me around on a trials bike. Knew it would come in handy. Also, here’s my number. Call me when you have the next plot device.

RING RING

JAMES
Oh no, my Sony Ericsson C902 Cyber-Shot phone is ringing. Hello?

GIRL FROM HITMAN
Hey James, I found some sweet jumps down here by the docks. You should come ride them.

JAMES
On my way.

Cut to James Bond getting BIG AIR on his old-as-fuck trials bike. The totally awesome bike jump from the trailer is in fact the ONLY totally awesome bike jump in the entire movie.

Cut instead to James Bond driving an ANCIENT SPEEDBOAT worthy of paleontological study.

JAMES
I seem to be getting shot at. I should engage the INVISIBLE BOAT-SHAPED BULLET-PROOF BAD-GUY DEFENCE SYSTEM. Additionally, I quite fancy seeing an opera in Austria.

Cut to Austria where all the evil guys have logically decided to conduct their super secret meeting via Bluetooth. Luckily James Bond does indeed have a Bluetooth headset in his arsenal and is able to intercept the conversation. In an additional bout of luck, James manages to take LUDICROUSLY HIGH RESOLUTION PICTURES using his Sony Ericsson C902 Cyber-Shot phone.

JAMES
Well, that was remarkably un-entertaining. I should kill someone and get the hell out of here via a SHOCKINGLY ARTISTIC silent slow-motion gun chase scene.

*sigh* This HAPPENS.

RING RING

JAMES
Oh gosh. My Sony Ericsson C902 Cyber-Shot phone is ringing again. Hello?

GIRL FROM HITMAN
Hey James. Come to Bolivia. I stole a plane from this old dude so we can go sky-diving together.

JAMES
On my way.

Plot plot plot plot…

GIRL FROM HITMAN
Looks like I only brought one parachute. Lets jump out separately and use the twenty mintue free-fall to try and fly towards each other.

JAMES
Good thinking. We should also fly towards that HOLE IN THE GROUND to try and find the potentially devastating SUPER SECRET BAD-GUY WEAPON.

Thud.

JAMES
Lucky I had my PHYSICS VIOLATOR turned on, otherwise we’d both be dead. Now let’s find this weapon.

GIRL FROM HITMAN
Well, in a thoroughly unexpected turn of events, we appear to have landed right on top of it.

JAMES
It’s… a dam.

GIRL FROM HITMAN
…

JAMES
Wow, what a BAD-ASS villain! This guy is nuts! Think of all the cool shit he could do with a hidden underground DAM. I mean, a death-ray, that’s cool. But a DAM! That shit is fucking OFF THE HOOK! You’d be nuts to fuck with this guy.

GIRL FORM HITMAN
Funny you should say that… It says here we should go meet him in a surprisingly empty and poorly located hotel surrounded by highly explosive fuel cells.

JAMES
I see no reason why that would be a bad idea. I mean, the chances of a stray bullet causing them to explode catastrophically are a million to one.

Plot plot plot plot…

GUNFIRE!

EXPLOSIONS!

ACTION SCENE!

RAPE SCENE!

EDITOR
Rape scene?

DIRECTOR
Yeah…?

EDITOR
I don’t even want to know…

MORE EXPLOSIONS!

MORE GUNFIRE!

LESS RAPING!

GIRL FROM HITMAN
We should probably end the film now.

JAMES
Just let me leave this guy in the desert with… motor oil? Yeah, that will do. Let’s reference some boring toss from the end of Casino Royale and call it a day.

GIRL FROM HITMAN
Can you drop me off at that shack by the railway station afterwards? I feel like kicking the shit out of some homeless people.

JAMES
Sure.

THE END

Babylon A.D. is possibly the single worst movie I have ever seen. It’s currently sitting at 5% on Rotten Tomatoes and I don’t see it improving any time soon. It is so bad in fact that I’ve decided to write my own version of the movie script.

—

Fade in to a generic eastern European village.

Vin Diesel stomps around in the rain while EXCEEDINGLY LOUD MUSIC plays in the background.

DIRECTOR
Fuck yeah! This is the best movie ever!

VIN DIESEL
I am now going to go to my shitty apartment where I somehow know everyone I meet despite me not being able to speak a word of their language. I am awesome.

Vin Diesel’s entire FUCKING WALL blows up but luckily Vin Diesel is completely immune to all forms of shrapnel and survives.

GENERIC BAD GUY
I have some history with you that is completely unexplained, you should kill me before questions are asked.

VIN DIESEL
Okay, I will kill you but logically do the very thing that you want me to do anyway thus rendering the whole act of me killing you entirely unnecessary.

GENERIC MOB BOSS
I am a completely untrustworthy character. Please can you do me a highly dangerous and possibly life-threatening favour despite the fact that I obviously plan to screw you over later on in this movie?

VIN DIESEL
I see no reason why this wouldn’t be a good idea. Let’s high-five.

GENERIC MOB BOSS
Great. You will be smuggling a girl into America. Here are 2 passports that will let you fly straight into America without any difficulty.

VIN DIESEL
So I meet her at the Airport?

GENERIC MOB BOSS
Of course not. You must instead take her on a most ERRATIC and DANGEROUS route through eastern Russia and Canada before getting on a plane and flying into America anyway.

VIN DIESEL
Okay, but only if I get to incorporate me single-handedly shooting down a STEALTH BOMBER with a HANDGUN whilst simultaneously doing a back-flip on a snowmobile.

This fucking HAPPENS!

Vin Diesel and The Girl finally arrive in America. Vin Diesel SHAVES whilst TOPLESS. Women everywhere have miniature orgasms.

THE GIRL
Despite me obviously playing a 14 year old girl in this movie, I am going to express a love interest in you. I see no reason why a 25 year age gap would make this inappropriate. On an unrelated note, I am also PREGNANT WITH TWINS.

VIN DIESEL
I must now deliver you to those people waiting outside. I plan not to actually deliver you to them but I won’t actually tell you this in case you are actually able to help me and I end up with less bad guys to kill.

THE GIRL
You do realise that because this movie is not THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS or XXX, you won’t actually be able to kill 5000 bad guys by simply farting in their general direction right?

VIN DIESEL
What you talking about? I’m fucking VIN DIESEL!

Vin Diesel starts getting his ass kicked.

THE GIRL
A missile is going to hit us both in the face. I want you to live so I will logically SHOOT YOU 3 times in the stomach before using my PSYCHIC POWERS to save myself form the explosion. I will then leave you to DIE IN PIECES before heading off to hide in some shack which you vaguely described earlier in the movie.

VIN DIESEL
That’s perfect. I know this guy in New York that will come put my body back together and give me an eye-patch that will let me learn about your ridiculous plan and allow me to lead the bad guys straight to you.

A ludicrous car chase ensues. This movie is set 30 years in the future and features many awesome technological advancements, yet all the bad guys are still driving around in 2002 model Range Rovers.

THE GIRL
I’m ready to give birth now. Let’s cut awkwardly to a hospital scene. Also, it would appear that women in the future are unable to give birth without dying so you will have to look after the twins by yourself.

VIN DIESEL
I see no reason why my career as a bad-ass hitman would get in the way of me looking after these 2 kids. Besides, this scenario is comically close to that awful Pacifier movie I starred in a few years ago.

…

Hang on. How come one of your twins is black?

THE GIRL
We ran out of money to hire extras so we had to use the film crew’s kids.

VIN DIESEL
I’m fucking amazing!

Cut to Vin Diesel walking off carrying 2 kids. More EXCEEDINGLY LOUD MUSIC plays.

The movie ends. Everyone is displeased.