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It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here so I thought I should probably make it something big. Last night I intentionally went to see 2012. For those of you who don’t know, 2012 is yet another generic disaster movie with copious amounts of inconsistency, plot holes, flimsy science and plain old BAD FILMMAKING. What follows now is an abridged version of the movie’s script for your reading pleasure.

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Fade in to some generic Indian town which happens to be located right on top of the world’s deepest BULLSHIT MINE.

DISPOSABLE INDIAN SCIENTIST
You’ll never guess what! The entire world is going to end due to some GENERIC SCIENCE BULLSHIT!

TOKEN BLACK GUY
You mean an unusually high number of NEUTRINOS from the sun is going to cause the centre of the earth to heat up to catastrophically high temperatures? Temperatures hotter than the already ludicrously hot temperatures currently experienced in the centre of the earth? And this heating will cause the earth’s crust to move and crumble, causing earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and the end of all life as we know it?

DISPOSABLE INDIAN SCIENTIST
Yes, now hurry! Spend some time putting together a report on this and take it to some political douchebag at the Whitehouse!

Transition to some irrelevant cocktail party.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Excuse me Political Douchebag, please take a moment to look at this bullshit report on some NEUTRINO RELATED CODSWALLOP I managed to pull out of my own arse.

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Nice work! This seems like it could be pretty important. Let’s take you to the Whitehouse so you can tell this to the president in person.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Okay, but we have to act fast!

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Whoa, hold your horses there. First we must do absolutely nothing for two years in order to ensure we are completely unprepared for the disaster when it arrives. Deal?

Token Black Guy makes the deal and the governments of the world do absolutely fuck-all for the next two years.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Okay, it’s been two years. Now what?

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Well, I guess the best thing to do at this stage is to recruit a group of Chinese farmers to build some HUGE SHIPS which we can all pile onto for a while.

TOKEN BLACK GUY
…

Cut to some shitty writer who is for some bizarre reason sleeping on a couch in his own one-person apartment.

SHITTY WRITER
Oh no, I’m late for my kids’ extremely lame camping trip because I stayed up all night writing shitty books that people never buy. Right, camping trip. Heads I take the SUV, tails I take the most ridiculously unsuitable vehicle I can find…

One short limo ride later…

SHITTY WRITER
Hey Ex-Wife, look at how stupidly unsuitable for camping my ride is!

EX-WIFE
Shut up. Take these kids. Go to the national park and talk to the Token Black Guy about your shitty books.

A second short limo ride later…

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Hey man, I don’t think your books are shitty. Let’s high-five! Anyway, gotta run. See you at the end of the movie when we miraculously end up on the same boat together!

SHITTY WRITER
Boats? What boats?

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Why don’t you ask that dodgy looking guy living in the trees over there.

Shitty Writer plays around with Google Earth on his laptop for a few hours before finally deciding to move the plot along.

SHITTY WRITER
Okay, so what’s this about hanging out on boats later?

DODGY GUY
Oh, NEUTRINO BOLLOCKS is making the world end tomorrow so the governments have decided to make these HUGE SHIPS to save all of humanity.

SHITTY WRITER
Nice, thanks for the heads up. I’ll just nip home, grab my ex-wife and her Douchebag Boyfriend, then I’ll meet you there. Oh, and where are all these HUGE SHIPS located exactly?

DODGY GUY
The middle of China.

SHITTY WRITER
What the fuck? Why would there not be one in every country!? And why the MIDDLE of China!? Why would you not put them on the coast so we can launch them BEFORE the world explodes!? Who the hell is in charge of all this shit!?

Shitty Writer drives erratically to Ex-Wife’s house and picks up her and her Douchebag Boyfriend before outrunning an earthquake in his high performance limo.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Holy crap! I can’t believe you managed to outrun an earthquake in this shitty limo! Unfortunately it looks like large portions of ground have started disappearing in front of us.

SHITTY WRITER
Oh really? You noticed? I mean, it’s not like these are the most ridiculously over exaggerated disaster effects in filmmaking history or anything. I’m really quite surprised you picked up on it.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Miraculously it looks like the airport has somehow escaped destruction. Also, perhaps even more miraculously, I kind of know how to fly.

In true ‘just in time’ disaster movie style, everyone hops on a plane just as a particularly strong NEUTRINO BOMBARDMENT renders centuries of geological knowledge completely worthless.

SHITTY WRITER
Right, so we’ve just taken off from the runway which happens to be located at roughly the same height as the several roads and railway tracks throughout the city.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Right…

SHITTY WRITER
So why is there a train dangling above our heads?

EX-WIFE
Probably because the director is a huge moron. Anyway, did you say we were heading to China?

SHITTY WRITER
Yes.

EX-WIFE
I see, then maybe we should’ve perhaps, I dunno, CHOSEN A PLANE THAT COULD TAKE US THERE? I mean, this tiny little one is cool and everything, but I just feel it’s 200 mile range might prove to be a hinderance during our 3000 mile plane trip.

Following this shocking discovery, the group land at a different airport and get on a bigger plane.

SHITTY WRITER
It sure is lucky that this big plane was lying here completely unused. C’mon, let’s take off.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Oh no, the runway is collapsing too soon! We’re not going to make it!

SHITTY WRITER
Don’t worry. Just pull back on this joystick here.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
What? Why? What is it?

SHITTY WRITER
It’s a PHYSICS VIOLATOR. Pulling back on it will make this big-ass plane climb vertically upwards for several minutes allowing us to reach a safe altitude.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Phew. Good thing that was installed. Now we can make it to our halfway refuelling point unhindered.

EX-WIFE
Halway refuelling point? You do realise we’re flying over the Pacific ocean here right? You know, that big blue wet thing between America and China? The thing planes can’t land on?

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Oh you silly girl, I’m not landing in the ocean. I’m landing on those American islands with the big airports.

EX-WIFE
Hawaii? Fucking Hawaii!? So, NEUTRINO BOLLOCKS from the sun is causing the earth’s crust to move and crumble, resulting in earthquakes, tsunamis and VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS and you’ve decided to refuel your plane on an ACTIVE VOLCANO!? Are you absolutely fucking retarded!?!?

Luckily, another strong dose of NEUTRINO-RELATED FICTION causes the earth’s crust to move east by about 2000 miles. Coincidentally the exact right amount to position the HUGE SHIPS well within flying distance.

SHITTY WRITER
Well that was lucky. Now, let’s find a place to land. Presumably they would’ve had to construct a landing strip of some kind so people from all over the world could fly in and land.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
No time to lose! Let’s crash land here and wait to be picked up by a passing chinese family in a pickup truck instead.

A random passing chinese family in a pickup truck lead them to the HUGE SHIPS. Luckily there is NO SECURITY so everyone is able to sneak in through a CONVENIENT DOOR unhindered.

On a related note, it appears that the HUGE SHIPS are actually no bigger than a typical cruise ship of which there are many hundreds of in the world. Also, there are only five of them.

EX-WIFE
I’ve decided I quite like Shitty Writer while at the same time still quite liking Douchebag Boyfriend. If only there was some way to easily solve this problem.

SHITTY WRITER
Don’t worry, there’s a moronic action scene coming up where Douchebag Boyfriend will be conveniently killed.

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Uhm, guys? I think I’ve got my GARDEN HOSEPIPE caught in the hydraulics.

SHITTY WRITER
Caught in the hydraulics? What? That’s not even possible! Do you even know what hydraulics are? Hydraulics are just pumps, tubes and pistons. There’s literally nothing to get caught on!

DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND
Well, I don’t fucking know what they are. It’s just a bunch of exposed cog wheels.

SHITTY WRITER
Exposed cog wheels? Why would there be exposed cog wheels? We have CARS with no exposed cog wheels, why the hell would there be exposed cog wheels on a futuristic government super-ship?!

CRUNCH CRUNCH, DEATH DEATH

CAPTAIN
Oh no, our main water-tight door isn’t closing.

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Well, just close the secondary water-tight door then.

CAPTAIN
There isn’t one…

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
What do you mean there isn’t one? We have goddamn car ferries with double water-tight doors. Why would you not put them on this ship?!

CAPTAIN
Probably a bad time to mention this, but also we can’t actually start the engines until the doors are fully closed…

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
For FUCK SAKE…

CAPTAIN
Oh, hang on. It looks like someone’s pulled a GARDEN HOSEPIPE out of the hydraulics. Time to start the engines!

POLITICAL DOUCHEBAG
Was that a puff of diesel smoke? Are those fucking exhaust pipes? Is this a diesel powered boat?! WHY WOULD YOU NOT PUT A NUCLEAR REACTOR IN HERE?!?! Our navy ships in the SIXTIES had nuclear reactors! They go for months and months at a time without refuelling!! This is literally the worst ship ever…

TOKEN BLACK GUY
I really hope this movie ends now.

Fade out into a satellite photo of the world after the crust has stabilised.

EX-WIFE
It sure is lucky that my other love interest was killed in that moronic hydraulic cog wheel garden hosepipe incident earlier.

SHITTY WRITER
It sure is. Hey, is that a satellite picture of the earth’s surface after the crust has stabilised?

EX-WIFE
I think so.

SHITTY WRITER
How come all the continents are EXACTLY THE SAME SHAPE as they were before?

EX-WIFE
I don’t really know, but I suspect it has something to do with NEUTRINO BOMBARDMENT…