SmellyBroom.com

So I was posting a letter to America the other week. Easy right? Stick a stamp on it and just go. But NO. Turns out you HAVE to go to the Post Office.

So off I went, letter in hand.

Me: I’d like to post this letter to America please.
Woman: Just pop it on the scales there.

Pop it on the fucking scales?! It’s a goddamn letter. What do you think I’m doing? Packing sheets of gold leaf in an envelope and smuggling it across the Atlantic?

Woman: Unsurprisingly, that weighs fuck-all so you’ll need one of these 90p stamps.

So then apparently at the post office you have to apply your own stamps despite the face that not only do you give them the envelope to weigh, they’re also the only ones who can get the right stamps from behind the counter.

So there I am like some kind of retarded kid trying to stick a non-sticky-backed stamp on an envelope without licking it first whilst the woman behind the counter is doing absolutely shit-all to help my situation. I didn’t even realise you still got stamps that you had to lick anymore.

With that struggle out of the way she then hands me a fucking Air Mail sticker. Air Mail! How the hell else is it going to get there?! Carrier pigeon? In a mail bag aboard the HMS Titanic? Of course it’s fucking going on a plane. Even letters sent INSIDE THE UK go on a plain these days so what the hell is the need for an Air Mail sticker?

‘Nevermind’ I thought, ‘I’ll just lick the back and stick it next to my 90p stamp.’ But NO. God no. Turns out the Air Mail stamp is DIFFERENT to the 90p stamp, and licking it does absolutely nothing other than make you look like a class-A retard to everyone in the queue behind. Air Mail stamps come on a small bit of paper that makes it literally IMPOSSIBLE to get the damn thing off and stick it to the envelope but finally, I managed.

I swear to god, next time I’m just going to FLY to America instead. It’ll sure as hell be a lot easier.

I went to the cinema last week. Now normally you could expect to be at the cinema, watch an entire movie and be back home within around 2 hours. This is what I would consider to be normal.

These days however, it seems people are intent on making movies long as fuck. Last week I was at the cinema for a full 3 hours watching the monstrosity known as Transformers 2.

15 minutes of shitty adverts, 15 minutes of shitty trailers and then 2 and a half motherfucking hours of robots blowing shit up. Seriously, how can you fill 2 and a half hours of screen time with nothing but explosions!

Shockingly, this isn’t the longest as fuck movie I have ever seen. That prize goes to the groundbreakingly boring, 3 hour long, cinematic catastrophe known as Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

For those curious, my thoughts on Pirates 3 can be found here.