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Last week I accidentally walked to the cinema and watched a cinematic masterpiece by the name of Fighting. What follows is my depiction of a hypothetical movie script which could have been referred to during filming.

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Cut to a clean respectable looking New York street corner.

MAIN CHARACTER
Hey everyone, I’m selling knock-off Harry Potter books. I’ll do you a good price if you promise not to steal my stuff.

LOVE INTEREST
I’ll take one for my son. That way you can have a shitty excuse to chat me up in a club later on.

MAIN CHARACTER
Oh shit, I better go, that guy who got sacked from Iron Man 2 just spotted me!

TERENCE HOWARD
Hey buddy. How would you like to fight for your chance to win a piss-poor amount of money?

MAIN CHARACTER
But Terence, I don’t know how to fight?

TERENCE HOWARD
Don’t worry, I have a plan…

The ‘plan’ appears to involve punching like a girl and generally being an all-round dumb-ass. Somehow this WORKS and Main Character beats his opponent before promptly heading to a nearby night club.

Cut to trendy looking night club which somehow allows blood-stained illegal street fighters to enter unhindered.

MAIN CHARACTER
Holy shit, both my love interest AND an old enemy are coincidentally in the same club as me! What are the chances of that happening?

LOVE INTEREST
Excellent! You now know where I work and are therefore able to start awkwardly stalking me.

MAIN CHARACTER
Right after my next fight. I think I might be getting better.

Unsurprisingly, Main Character is still shit at fighting. Luckily, due to an unlikely combination of miracles and a shit director, Main Character is able to defeat a KUNG FU MASTER.

MAIN CHARACTER
Nevermind. So, you want to go for dinner?

LOVE INTEREST
No.

MAIN CHARACTER
Some drinks?

LOVE INTEREST
No. Go away.

MAIN CHARACTER
How about a walk?

LOVE INTEREST
Will you just fuck off!

MAIN CHARACTER
How about I come round to your place to have dinner with both your mother and your daughter, both of whom I have never met before?

LOVE INTEREST
You know what…

Cut to awkward dinner scenario in a crappy looking apartment.

LOVE INTEREST
So, I Googled your name while you were taking a shit earlier and it turns out you once tried to kick your dad’s ass. How did that happen?

MAIN CHARACTER
Oh you know how it is. One minute you’re punching your old enemy in the face, then your dad steps in and you just end up punching him in the face ’till he falls to the ground.

LOVE INTEREST
That’s… not normal…

MAIN CHARACTER
That never happened to you then?

LOVE INTEREST
Uh, let me think… oh wait, NO IT HASN’T. Because unlike you, I am not RETARDED.

Cut to Main Character sleeping on a bench, because sleeping on a bench is a pastime enjoyed by many of the world’s leading street fighters.

TERENCE HOWARD
Hey kid. Remember that time you totally smashed your dad’s face in because you were absolutely fucking retarded?

MAIN CHARACTER
What about it?

TERENCE HOWARD
Well how would you like to fight the guy you were punching before your dad got in the way?

Cut to the inside of a subway train where Main Character is doing EXTREME TRAINING. Logically, the inside of a subway car is the optimum environment for fight training. Better even than a gym, apparently.

Terence Howard asks Main Character to throw the fight and go down in the first round, or something. But this is obviously RETARDED since despite only possessing the fighting skills of a disabled guinea pig, Main Character never loses a fight.

A large bet is placed, a laughably predictable plot twist ensues and Terence Howard is banned from all future on screen appearances.