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I hated this film.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a film as long, boring, far-fetched, pretentious, and up its own arse as this one. I even read up on the reviews before I went to the cinema; most of them were positive. The only negative point was the length, a whopping 3 hours, and I figured I could easily sit through 3 hours of Pirates kicking ass.

How wrong was I?

This film was so motherfucking long, long enough for you to watch the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy, twice. There were even warnings on the car park telling you you had to run if you wanted your parking to still be within the 4 hour limit.

At this point I should take a step back and explain why I hated this film quite so much, and to this I need to explain what I thought of the other 2 Pirates films.

Curse of the Black Pearl

When this film first came out, it seemed only those people ‘in the know’ knew about its existence. I certainly didn’t have a clue. I eventually got round to watching it on DVD, and I have to say I was very impressed. Great story line, great setting, and a ghost pirate ship. Nothing else was required. There was enough story-line and build up, and even the ghost ship was believable.

Dead Man’s Chest

Fast forward a few years and we arrive at Dead Man’s Chest. Disney followed the Matrix model of filming 2 sequels simultaneously. I guess their thinking was if it didn’t work for the Matrix then… Morons. So anyway, I was quite excited about this film and even went to the cinema. Its a shame the movie was shit. So shit that I don’t even remember the plot. The movie seemed to based entirely on visual Jack Sparrow gags. Good one Disney, ruin a perfectly good franchise.

At World’s End

Fast forward again to last night, possibly the most painful night of my life. The movie starts with a whole bunch of people getting hanged. Who these people are and what impact they have on the pirate world remains a mystery to me. From what I gather, they were people who associated with pirates. Great. Like I care about housewives who talk to smelly pirates. I could already smell the shitness of the movie’s plot creeping out of the screen.

Plot, well lots of them really. Without exaggeration I would say there were a good 100 plot-lines in this movie. Silver coins, pirate lords, some weird castle made entirely of old ships?, polar ice caps?, Giant waterfalls?, dead people in rowing boats, white sandy desserts, thousands of crabs carrying a ship?, sea goddess? What? Did somebody say sea goddess?

In what is single-handedly the most pointless plot addition in the history of cinema, well, there’s this sea goddess person who has some kind of weird love relationship with this pirate who has an octopus stuck to his face and she somehow gets trapped in a woman’s body and then gets turned into a giant woman standing on a tiny boat and then gets turned into a million crabs and then makes a giant whirlpool in the sea for 2 boats shoot each other in. From what I can tell, the Sea Goddess’s sole purpose in the film was to create a whirlpool for ships to fight on, which in turn can be shown in the trailer to trick people into the thinking the movie would be cool.

Whirlpool scene? Yeah, did I mention that during this massive battle scene where everyone’s getting killed, Mr. Orlando Gay Bloom somehow manages to marry Keira Knightly? Talk about a soppy homoerotic visual punch-in-the-bollocks.

Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Orlando dies, gets his heart taken out, and has to become the captain of some pirate ship where he can only come ashore once every 10 years. Keira Knightly and him then promptly have sex on the beach and he leaves.

At this point the credits roll, and I run out of the cinema screaming. However, I’m told that if you sat for an extra 10 minutes and waited ’till the end of the credits, you were treated with a scene form 10 years later showing the next time Orlando comes ashore for some action.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what made this movie so shit, mainly because it was shit it so many different areas, and it was shit for 3 hours. 3 hours of my life I will never get back, and 3 hours of my life I will always bitch about.