Archive for June, 2007
And so ends one of the top 3 years of my life. The other top 2 being the year I discovered masturbation and the year my daddy got the internet for us.
Now I’m back at home for 2 months. Just enough time to sort things out, make some money, and work off some beer fat!
What the?!
I’m afraid I have no explanation for this.
Last I heard Katie Price went by the name of Jordan and frequently posed nude for guy magazines.
There are so many questions left unanswered here I don’t even know where to begin. What were they thinking? Was anyone thinking? Who came up with such a retarded idea? Who actually wrote the books? Who the hell’s gonna buy them?
Perhaps I should buy one just to see what it’s all about.
That’s something you should never be heard saying in public. By simply stating it you are immediately at risk form and an immense kick in the bollocks. Still, I’m not going to let a little thing like my bollock kicks get in the way of my rant.
The whole word is pushing this idea of renewable energy. That is, wind farms, solar panels, wave things, tide things, etc. The sad fact of the matter is these types of energy are shit when compared against the wonderful world of nuclear power. A comparison:
10,000 wind farms generate enough power for a small village.
1 nuclear power station provides enough power for a small continent.
To generate enough power to replace all coal fuelled power stations in the UK, every single bit of remaining free land would need to have a wind turbine planted on it. In what way does that make any sense?
To generate enough power for your own home your roof would need to consist solely of solar panels, your garden would need to be filled entirely with wind turbines and all your taps would need to have hydro-electric turbines strapped on the end. Sounds like a great way of producing electricity..
There’s a reason nuclear power stations are being built. It’s because Renewable energy is shit.
Tim Burton scares me. All his films undoubtedly fall into the weird category. Here’s a short list.
Beetlejuice (1988)
Batman (1989)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Batman Returns (1992)
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Batman Forever (1995)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
Corpse Bride (2005)
I challenge you to pick a film out of that list and tell me it’s not weird. Go on. I challenge you!
The Animal
It’s happened to everyone. You’re sitting there watching a top notch porno when all of a sudden, a horse walks into the shot. What? Horse? Porno? You don’t know what to do. Erection? No erection? Who knows.
The Tranny
All in all, this is possibly the scariest of all porno mishaps. You click some links, look at some pictures, and you’re pretty sure you’re looking at damn fine piece of ass. Correct. However, when the camera pans down, you soon realise that you were in fact masturbating over a piece of willy. Talk about boner-kill.
The Bi-Sexual
This is in my opinion the deadliest of the three. The situation goes like this, you’re sitting there wanking away happily at your 3-way porno when all of a sudden… Did that just happen? That dude just suck another dude’s cock? … I’m afraid so. Those gays trick you into thinking everything’s straight then BAM! Your penis shrivels.
I hated this film.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen a film as long, boring, far-fetched, pretentious, and up its own arse as this one. I even read up on the reviews before I went to the cinema; most of them were positive. The only negative point was the length, a whopping 3 hours, and I figured I could easily sit through 3 hours of Pirates kicking ass.
How wrong was I?
This film was so motherfucking long, long enough for you to watch the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy, twice. There were even warnings on the car park telling you you had to run if you wanted your parking to still be within the 4 hour limit.
At this point I should take a step back and explain why I hated this film quite so much, and to this I need to explain what I thought of the other 2 Pirates films.
When this film first came out, it seemed only those people ‘in the know’ knew about its existence. I certainly didn’t have a clue. I eventually got round to watching it on DVD, and I have to say I was very impressed. Great story line, great setting, and a ghost pirate ship. Nothing else was required. There was enough story-line and build up, and even the ghost ship was believable.
Fast forward a few years and we arrive at Dead Man’s Chest. Disney followed the Matrix model of filming 2 sequels simultaneously. I guess their thinking was if it didn’t work for the Matrix then… Morons. So anyway, I was quite excited about this film and even went to the cinema. Its a shame the movie was shit. So shit that I don’t even remember the plot. The movie seemed to based entirely on visual Jack Sparrow gags. Good one Disney, ruin a perfectly good franchise.
Fast forward again to last night, possibly the most painful night of my life. The movie starts with a whole bunch of people getting hanged. Who these people are and what impact they have on the pirate world remains a mystery to me. From what I gather, they were people who associated with pirates. Great. Like I care about housewives who talk to smelly pirates. I could already smell the shitness of the movie’s plot creeping out of the screen.
Plot, well lots of them really. Without exaggeration I would say there were a good 100 plot-lines in this movie. Silver coins, pirate lords, some weird castle made entirely of old ships?, polar ice caps?, Giant waterfalls?, dead people in rowing boats, white sandy desserts, thousands of crabs carrying a ship?, sea goddess? What? Did somebody say sea goddess?
In what is single-handedly the most pointless plot addition in the history of cinema, well, there’s this sea goddess person who has some kind of weird love relationship with this pirate who has an octopus stuck to his face and she somehow gets trapped in a woman’s body and then gets turned into a giant woman standing on a tiny boat and then gets turned into a million crabs and then makes a giant whirlpool in the sea for 2 boats shoot each other in. From what I can tell, the Sea Goddess’s sole purpose in the film was to create a whirlpool for ships to fight on, which in turn can be shown in the trailer to trick people into the thinking the movie would be cool.
Whirlpool scene? Yeah, did I mention that during this massive battle scene where everyone’s getting killed, Mr. Orlando Gay Bloom somehow manages to marry Keira Knightly? Talk about a soppy homoerotic visual punch-in-the-bollocks.
Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Orlando dies, gets his heart taken out, and has to become the captain of some pirate ship where he can only come ashore once every 10 years. Keira Knightly and him then promptly have sex on the beach and he leaves.
At this point the credits roll, and I run out of the cinema screaming. However, I’m told that if you sat for an extra 10 minutes and waited ’till the end of the credits, you were treated with a scene form 10 years later showing the next time Orlando comes ashore for some action.
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what made this movie so shit, mainly because it was shit it so many different areas, and it was shit for 3 hours. 3 hours of my life I will never get back, and 3 hours of my life I will always bitch about.