SmellyBroom.com

Just a quick note to inform everyone about my new and terribly unexciting ‘About’ page.

The link’s up top, filling that dull gap between ‘Blog’ and ‘Archives’.

This is simply not true. Beer only makes you fat if your diet is bad.

A lot of people make the common mistake of treating beer like a drink when actually, it’s a food replacement. This is where the problems arise.

If you were to carry on eating a normal diet and start drinking beer, your daily food intake would double, triple, or even quadruple!

The sensible beer drinker learns to replace normal everyday foods with Bran Flakes, thus eliminating the risk of becoming fat.

I don’t care how harsh this sounds, but I hate bums. I hate homeless people living on the street asking you for money. These guys are on the street begging because they have fucked things up for themselves. Why should I give them my money? I should be saving my money so if I fuck things up I won’t have to harass people all day and night.

Example. The other night we were walking back through Edinburgh when this homeless couple asks us for exactly £2.74 to stay at a hostel. This couple had blatantly taken every drug on the planet that night and no fucking way way am I giving someone else my drug money.

Another example. Not long after that, another homeless couple shows up asking for money. This couple had a dog with them. If you’re struggling to pay for your own food, why would you try and pay for a dog as well? The male half of the couple was also swigging an alcopop and even offered me a drunk if I gave him some money. Of course, I kindly informed him that I did not in fact have any money on me and that that was the reason for walking home. As soon as I turned around he heard the clinking, and the cheeky guy got a little aggressive. Luckily I had my keys on me to excuse myself. He then told me he’d “let me off”.

You what?

You’ll “let me off”?!

Listen fucker, I need my money to buy important things like alcohol and pies. Go do something useful with yourself. Try getting a job.

Morons.

I hate them.

And I don’t even feel slightly bad for doing so.

So here’s how it started.

Back in the day, a group of rare and highly intellectual neds decided to create the ultimate beverage. A super alcohol that was not only cheap, but got you extremely drunk, extremely quickly. Their aim was to sell it to the under-age market and quickly become millionaires.

The first challenge was to find ingredients shit enough to put in the bottle. Fortunately though, there was a sewage treatment plant nearby.

The next challenge was to find a way to fill the bottles on the cheap. Luckily for them, there was a monastery nearby, and the monk there were more than willing.

So there we have it, not much to it.. but still, the origin of Buckfast.

Why are you still here reading this?

One of my friends has a visitor round this weekend, a female friend, and you know what they say. It’s all about the first impression.

So today good readers I will show you how to make a good first impression.

First Contact

The first thing to remember is to never meet a new person at the same time as everyone else. It’s best to make your own individual entrance, usually around 5-10 minutes later than everyone else, with a bottle of beer in your hand. It’s also good practice to follow this up by opening your bottle of beer on the most retarded surface you can find. – My personal favourites are freezer door, fuse-box cover and of course, the goldfish bowl.

Conversation

At this stage of the game you really have to know where to not draw the line. No joke is too shit, no comment is too inappropriate. Follow those guidelines and you’ll be set.

The Next Stage

Now that everyone’s once again become bored of talking to you about horny mountain-goats, it’s time to do something really stupid. It has to be something stupid enough that no-one else would ever think of doing it. My personal choice here was to have a fully clothed shower in someone else’s room, then stroll into the kitchen and drip all over the floor.

The Finale

Tricky this one. On a few occasions I’ve gone down the jumping out the 2nd floor window route, but this has a few too many drawbacks.. namely sprained ankles and wet socks, oh.. and being locked outside the building. These days I find it’s better to just leave quietly and do something else for a while.

Follow these simple steps and you’ll have everyone thinking your a fucktard in no time!

That’s right. And let me tell you, the blast radius was mightily impressive. Walls and ceilings were covered in mince meat.

If you’ve never put explosives into food products, then.. well.. you haven’t lived.

What better way to start the day than having a cleaner, head house keeper and warden wake you up at 9? Well, there is no better way, none I can think of.

The kind people kicked me out of bed and informed me my kitchen needed cleaning. Well, I never use my kitchen, I’m a proud member of kitchen 14. Nevertheless, I still had to go have a look.

It appears my good neighbours have decided never to remove the bin bags from the kitchen and this pile of rubbish of course, led to maggots. So there I was stumbling around at 9 in the morning in my dressing gown cleaning maggots off the kitchen floor.

A word of advice to people who get kicked out of bed. Don’t get up. Pretend to be so deep in sleep that they have to physically hurt you before you get up, and then you have an excuse to fuck them over.

Last night was Jam night, the weekly union drinking event, and as usual, it was shit. The only way to unshit a shit event is to drink heavily, and that’s exactly what I did.

This brings us to the strawpedo. What is it?

You take a bottle of generic alcopop.
Place a straw in the top and fold it over down the neck.
Tip it up and the wet stuff will fall straight down your throat.
Whole bottle down in 3 seconds.

Other related activities?

I lied.