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I went to the cinema last week. Now normally you could expect to be at the cinema, watch an entire movie and be back home within around 2 hours. This is what I would consider to be normal.

These days however, it seems people are intent on making movies long as fuck. Last week I was at the cinema for a full 3 hours watching the monstrosity known as Transformers 2.

15 minutes of shitty adverts, 15 minutes of shitty trailers and then 2 and a half motherfucking hours of robots blowing shit up. Seriously, how can you fill 2 and a half hours of screen time with nothing but explosions!

Shockingly, this isn’t the longest as fuck movie I have ever seen. That prize goes to the groundbreakingly boring, 3 hour long, cinematic catastrophe known as Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

For those curious, my thoughts on Pirates 3 can be found here.

So here’s the deal. I was sitting happily enjoying my refreshingly alcoholic beverage in a social alcohol drinking environment commonly known as a bar. Suddenly out of nowhere, I decide that I would like to visit the lavatory to dispose of some bodily fluids.

No problem, I’ll just work out that door and turn left towards the toilets. Should be easy right?

WRONG.

So there I am walking down this dead-end corridor. I take a look at the sign on the first door.

“Baby Changing Facilities? Weird.”

On to the next door.

“Women.”

The final door now.

“Disabled…”

So back to the first door I go for a closer examination. The logo on the door resembles a small toddler standing spread-eagled wearing what appeared to be a rather large nappy.

Investigations later proved that the dipshit owners of the bar actually thought this actually resembled the universal symbol for mens toilets.

I mean, for FUCK SAKE. We actually already HAVE a universal symbol for mens toilets. Why not, I don’t know, actually… USE IT?

In all honesty though, it’s not as exciting as it sounds.

There I was just innocently trying to ask the big-headed police officer what was going on and he goes and SHUNS me like he’s some kind of movie star type character.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me on Nightcops with speech balloons added for comedic effect.

Anyone who tells you they like the taste of vodka is a liar.

Vodka actually tastes like arse. If you can picture a situation where you’re wearing some really tight jeans and proceed to spend the entire day jogging on a treadmill, then when you get home you take your boxers off and squeeze all the sweat into a small glass, then you leave that small glass to fester in a damp room for 4 months, then you take it out and dip your nutsack in for a few seconds, then give it a quick stir and pour some bleach in. THAT is what vodka tastes like.

Last week I accidentally walked to the cinema and watched a cinematic masterpiece by the name of Fighting. What follows is my depiction of a hypothetical movie script which could have been referred to during filming.

Read More…

I seem to remember this happening last year…

Link – http://www.smellybroom.com/2008/04/18/ikea-the-shop-from-hell/

So, I watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine the other week. Now, this isn’t going to be a rant about the movie’s plot or anything like that. This is going to be a rant purely about the shitness of the CG on Wolverine’s claws.

X-Men was released in 2000 and X-Men Origins: Wolverine was released in 2009. In 9 years you’d expect the advancements in special effects to be pretty substantial right?

Well let’s take a look, X-Men on top and X-men Origins on the bottom.

To put it kindly, it looks like they got a 4 year old blind kid to draw the claws on with a felt-tip pen. And they probably didn’t give him enough sweets so he ended up doing a shit job of it on purpose.

What were they actually thinking…

It is a well known fact that real men eat food with their hands. Think about it. Burgers, pizzas, sandwiches, chips, sausages, spaghetti, baked beans. The list goes on and on. So, next time you see some toolbag eating a pizza with a knife and fork, remember, he is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a real man.

UPDATE – Just remembered, this doesn’t apply to soup. You can use a straw for that if you want to.

Top Gun made to look like a gay love story. It’s actually really good.

…but £13.50 is a pretty fucking lot of money. That’s two price increases in the past two years and that is entirely unreasonable. I mean, just because everything else gets more expensive… How am I expected to find an additional £1.50 per month?

Bizarrely, I’ve decided that since cinema tickets here go for £4.70 each and I tend to watch at least 3 films a month, £13.50 is still fairly reasonable.

As a fun experiment, let’s sit down and work out if I’ve watched enough films in the past 2 years to make my monthly subscription worthwhile.

1st year’s subscription = £10.99 X 12 = £131.88
2nd year’s subscription = £11.99 X 12 = £143.88

Total cost over 2 years = £131.88 + £143.88 = £275.76

Total number of movies watched over 2 years = 83

Actual cost of student cinema tickets = £4.70 X 83 = £390.00

So yes, turns out it was worthwhile. All I have to do now is continue spending unhealthy amounts of time in the cinema seeing shit films that often make me angry and/or bored.